I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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