Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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