I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize