it was like eating out sand paper
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize