After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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