I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
