you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
