I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
