remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
