Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
