After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
