It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
