Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
