Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dicks are not precious.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
