Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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