Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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