i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize