My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize