I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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