I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
