I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
