You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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