Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
