I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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