Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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