you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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