at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
