TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
