I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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