Too much gin, very little bucket
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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