Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She told me I should be a condom model.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
