I love black thongs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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