we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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