Kiss
Puke
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
