it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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