Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
