i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
