I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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