Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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