I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
