so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
