I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Damn victory sex feels great
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
