im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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