Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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