I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
