we're chasing vodka with high fives
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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