perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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