that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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