I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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