if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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