I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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