Don't make out with my wife yet
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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