That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
