She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
